Chapter 5.2: Ano kurushii kimochi... wakaruyo... (Than painful feeling... I know how it feels...)

Everything has progressed as normal.... go to college, come back from college, do account's homework, play blueserver then sleep. Well this chapter's main purpose isn't talking about me though... well just a few days back, someone who I don't think that will come back, came back to my life. I won't tell who it is, because I want to respect her privacy too. Well it all started when I was watching anime (as usual), then out of a sudden, I received a message from her in msn, saying that she changed her handphone number. So then I replied to her and chat abit till I realised that most of the replies had something familiar about it. She then started to ask about my life, whether I have any special girlfriends and etc. Then it came to me that somehow... she still has feelings for me. So I asked her to answer me honestly... and she answered yes, that she still has feelings for me. Clearing that doubt of mine, she then wants my answer... but I couldn't give her the answer... due to some complications that we both have... So I told her that due to the complications that we had, I don't want her to torture herself because of this, so I told her that its better that we don't be together. Unexpectedly... she said that she'd wait for me, in a way, I was kinda happy because no one has ever said or even want to wait for such a jerk that I already am. But still I told her not to, because... I knew how it felt... Because I once did that, and all I did was just torturing myself. At that time, I was always worried. Worried whether she'll talk to me, worried that she has a special boyfriend and worried that if I were to confess again, I'd get rejected or not. Basically that was the worries I had... and I do know well those feelings... It hurts so much... But still, she wants to wait for me... It almost seemed like she is determined to go through whatever it takes just to be with me... at this point... I felt like a bastard. So then almost everyday i'd sms her to check how she is doing instead of doing things the way I used to, which is to ignore that person, block her contact and so on... but I didn't... because I do know that if I were to do that, it'll hurt her more. Its almost like we're both in 2 different worlds but we want to be together... In fact I do have feelings for her, but its for her own good due to our complications. I told her "What if while you're waiting, I already have someone else later?" she then replied, "I'm fine with it, just as long as you tell me that you're with that someone rather than dragging me along without me knowing". At this point... I felt like killing myself (lolz). Even so, i'm trying to understand her more day by day by smsing her. To get to know her better in a way. Also just to make some things clear its NOT Jess, i'll never even talk to such a slut. Her birthday is coming soon and I WANT to get for her something... but i'm soooo broke that I can't get her a birthday gift which makes me feel soooo darn bad (~.~). Aite this is about it, this post had nothing much to it though, well till then sayounara~~!!

"Why is life so cruel to us?" - Daryl (a.k.a) Wiegraf, Urameshi Kiddo and Vash