Chapter 5.4: Sorega bokuda!!!! ...to omou... (Thats me!!!... I think...)

Most of the people around me especially my college mates, they like to say "Daryl, your life is so easy and you don't really have problems with your studies" or some even call me an egoist. Even though I always act tough and cold towards some people, they do not know how fragile I am. Even though I have friends and my family, I somehow still feel lonely. They do not know what i've been through. The truth is that I act tough is because I don't want others to look down on me, "have no problems in studies"...huh? Actually I HATE studying, all I ever did was just play the computer 24/7 and i'm not born smart or something like that, but I don't want to lose out thats why. Some of them even call me a rich person, which I actually am not, now even as I am typing this post down, my dad is kinda struggling. He is always at home, playing solitaire, acting as if he has no problems. But I do know the fact that he didn't seem to get any tours recently and he always is awake thinking how to earn money to support the family. Some of the money that I have is the money I had been working for and that money won't last long. I wanted to study in Japan, but my family had no financial backup for that. I'm currently continueing my studies is because of my dad... So far all i've been doing is listening and understanding my friend's life and their struggles but they don't seem to be listening and understanding mine. Most of them don't seem to see that, but some do. All I wanted is for someone to share with my dreams, sadness, happiness, everything. Unfortunately I don't seem to have this someone to share those things. I guess that is why whenever people asks me "Why do you like japanese stuffs so much?" I always give them the same answer which is "I feel more at home with them". Even the simplest thing I did for some friends, they'd never realised or even thanked me for the things that I had done for that people. Sometimes I wonder why'd I do so much for others while they don't seem to appreciate the things I do? Why'd I trouble myself so much just to satisfy them and yet not satisfying myself? Will I just die without them noticing the things I had done for them? Someone once told me, "Daryl, you're a person that is 1 in a million, you're kind, you take the trouble over others and also you're honest and loyal". She knew me well and knew the things I did as we were in the same school. In a way she is also a 1 in a million person to understand me and the things I actually did. A few years after that, we went our different paths even though we're still having each other's number, we hardly contact. I guess to find another person who understands and knows the things another did is... very hard... Life in college has been tough lately and life itself had been harsh lately too. I don't know why, even though I lost my will to go on, something is pushing me. Something tells me that something good will happen sooner or later. I guess this is it, till then, sayounara~!

"I don't believe that suiciding is the way to escape things, but I believe that by living, you could overcome all the odds, as long as you have the will" - Daryl (a.k.a) Vash, Wiegraf, Urameshi Kiddo