Chapter 8: 愛 (Love) [Ai]

I finally understood the feeling of being left hanging, and the feeling of lost. But I finally knew what its like to love someone who isn't my family, and until today, I have no regrets

I'm not blaming anyone, I just feel that I have to remind myself of this

It all started when I proposed to Sue Yen, asking her to be my girlfriend. After accepting, most likely because of the pressure she felt, she told me that she don't know if its the right decision. But I told her, that she can withdraw her acceptance and give it a thought. But instead she told me that, she made up her mind and accepted me.

We started off quite awkwardly for the first 2 weeks as we had double dates instead of a date between the two of us. I was abit unhappy about it, and told her about it. But as time passes, I came to love the Sue Yen whois, loud, cheerful, talkative, manja, and dared to take risk with me. On our 3rd week, which happened to be the most happiest day of our entire relationship, started off badly. We had a misunderstanding at first, but everything then turned for the better, when we had a 1 on 1 conversation. She told me that she thinks that I deserve someone whois better than her, and she wants to know what i'm expecting from her and that she will change for me. So then I told her that I love her for the way she is and I don't want her to change for me. If she were to change, I'd want her to change for herself, not for me. Told her that I feel like i'm giving most of the time, but not receiving. After the conversation, she seemed to be very happy after that.

We watched movie, ate dinner, went up a hill and had the happiest time ever in our relationship. She finally open up to me by telling me things that she wants to do together, as she doesn't open up to me at all until that night. And I somehow made her cried as well, out of happiness. Which actually made me feel happy like i've never felt before.

When the fourth week came, she seemed to be stressed with work, and I was worried and I didn't know how to cheer her up as she isn't opening to me about her work. I told her that I don't know whether I should cheer her up or to give her sometime alone and that I felt useless. She tried to call me the next day, but I left my phone at home. When I got back, I tried calling her twice, but she didn't pick up the phone as she was in a meeting. But she messaged me saying that she is alright, and that there is nothing for me to worry about. Which already give me the vibes that she is NOT alright.

2 days later she asked me out, I knew something was wrong when I met her and she isn't being the normal manja Sue Yen that I knew. She started to be very quiet and we hardly even talk about anything at all. Until I sent her back, she said that she was hurt because I told her that I felt useless, and that she wants me to take my time and think about it.

The next day I asked her out and talked to her about it, and tried to hold her hand, but she moved my hand away, and said that I needed time to think. So then the option that I never thought of came up to me, if whatever answer i'm giving isn't right to her, then I guess she wants a breakup then.

So then 2 days after that, I called her out, and told her that if we cannot overcome this problem, then we should just cut it clean here. She also mentioned that because of another friend of mine, she thinks that, to me, our relationship is all about calculation, and that i'm very calculative and that all she can provide me is money. When she said that to me, I felt so hurt, to hear that from her. Telling her that its not the choice that I want to come to but I really don't know what else she wants me to decide. So then she burst to tears saying that she had NEVER thought of breaking up, and that she wants me to think about us, but because I brought up breaking up, her mind was set to break up. But then I said, fine, if this is what you want. Then she said NO this is NOT what I want, this is because you brought it up. Then I told her that its NOT what I want, I want us to take off where we left off, and that all I wanted from her is to share with me her problems, thats the least I can do for her, even if I cannot do anything about it. She then started to tell me why she was sad, and then told me that by her telling me why she is sad, it makes her even sadder. And then she told me that she cannot absorb all of this at a time and that she wants to go back. After sending her, she said, continue this conversation the next day IF I want.

I went to consult with my friends, some of them said to hang on, and some of them harshly told me to breakup with her. But I believed in her and I really do love her to the extent that I would do anything for her. I don't give a damn what my friend or her friends says about her, they do not know her like I do.

I've never been so sure as to what I want other than going to Japan, and studying japanese, and told her that yes, I want. The next day, we talked and then she told me that she wants us to start anew, but with a few condition of hers, and I told her mine as well. We got back together, and I thought that we would be like before, but unfortunately she changed... She doesn't seem to care about me like she used to, hardly reply my messages, and when we hold hands, she doesn't even grip my hands. Its like holding a corpse's hand. I was fine with that, until my dad was hospitalized and I needed her to be by my side at that emotional moment. Telling me that she can't is alright, but not making up for it ticks me off.

So then I messaged her saying how I felt and I wanted her to think about us, and that i'm not thinking of a breakup, I told her that it takes two sides to make this relationship work. She then asked me to meet her, which I agreed. But then she took it for granted that I would be going to fetch her despite she was the one who asked me out. I asked her if she could meet me up at my place, but she said no, she doesn't want to go so far, so then I said, you're taking me for granted and with your current mindset I don't feel like seeing you. Letting her feel what I felt during the first misunderstanding, on that night itself, she sent me a breakup text message, which was read in the morning as I was asleep that night. I send her back messages saying that i'm dissapointed in her and etc. But then after seeing her post in facebook that she declared being single and that she felt so relieved, there is no point in me arguing.

So then I messaged her Thank you for the 2 months, and that my promise to her still remains, that is if she needs me, call me, i'll be there.

I didn't like the way it ended, but its what she decided and no matter what I do or say, won't change anything.

3 days later after the breakup, I was angry and frustrated, and then I thought I was fine with it emotionally, so happen to be our 2nd month anniversary, but on that morning itself, I dreamt of her. I woke up, and ended up locking myself up in the room, my tears couldn't stop dropping out the whole day.

Even until today, I still think about our happiest night, think about her and I still love her. She hopes that I forget, but to me, god gave us memory, so that we learn or cherish it. And to me, I cherish every moment that i'm with her, may it be happy or sad. Its tough acting like you're okay in front of your peers when you're actually not, I really miss her alot.

I believe in the future, we might cross paths again and if we do, i'm sure it'll be something worthwhile.

"貴方は俺の最初と最後の彼女になって欲しい" - Daryl a.k.a Vash, Wiegraf, and Urameshi Kiddo